when will it end?

June is migraine awareness month so I thought I'd share my story. Well, at least, a brief overview of my journey with migraine at least. This is also published on Migraine.com.

"I don't know where to begin. I have had migraines for as long as I can remember. As a 5 year old, I can recall running to my mom with my head in my hands, crying from the excruciating pain. My mom checked off all the obvious potential problems. Was it just a headache? Was it my eyesight? Was something wrong with my jaw? By the time I was in 2nd grade, I had glasses to correct my nearsightedness and a retainer to correct my slight overbite, but the headaches only continued. When a migraine struck, I would come home from school, lock myself in my room, make it as dark as night, and sleep until the pain subsided. By then, it was clear that I was living with migraine.

As I grew older, my migraines only grew worse. Sometimes, it just wasn't possible to lock myself in a room and sleep for the days at a time. That's when I can remember first vomiting because of a migraine. As if the pain weren't enough, the nausea and vomiting, and sensitivities to light, sound, and smell made my migraines debilitating. Although while growing up, I didn't get migraines chronically they always seemed to show up at the worst time. Migraines have caused me to miss birthday parties to volleyball games to prom. By the time I graduated high school, migraines were just apart of who I was and something I had to overcome.

While in college, I never left the house without medication. I knew at the first sign of an attack I had to take OTC medicine or I was done for. But as I checked off my college years one by one, my migraines only grew worse and it seemed that I was popping pills like candy. Just six months after graduating from college, I had to quit the job I had worked so hard to get because my migraines had become chronic and completely disabling. That day was almost three years, and I still haven't been able to return to work. I'm 26 years old and disabled from chronic migraine disease.

Since the day I left my job, I have been fighting with everything I have to get better, but somehow, I'm losing the battle. I've tried medication after medication, chiropractic care, acupuncture, biofeedback therapy, Botox, nerve blocks, diet changes, the list goes on and on and on. I've seen specialist after specialist and traveled half-way around the country to visit one head pain clinic to the next. I've been hospitalized twice for more than 10 days at a time. Both times, I was pumped full of IV therapy after therapy in hopes of breaking the cycle, but nothing worked. I have migraines not just chronically, but constantly. Additionally, I now also suffer from major depression disorder, gastritis, and hypothyroidism.

Three years ago, I was ready to take on the world. I knew who I was and what I wanted to become. I had hopes and dreams. Now, I spend my days going to appointments, picking up medication, and hoping against all hope that my pain levels won't rise above a 6. Even though I've had migraines for my entire life, I never would have thought it were possible to experience one day in and day out. Intermittent migraine and chronic migraine are truly two different diseases. I used to complain when I migraine derailed an event in my life, but now that migraines have derailed my entire life, I would give anything to go back to how things used to be. Right now, there is no light at the end of my tunnel, but I promise you, I won't stop searching for it."

a fresh start

Okay, so the two-week test hasn't gone as planned. Actually, it hasn't gone at all. I'm just not ready. I'm in too much pain on a daily basis at this point. Not to mention, I have no money. Therefore, I've decided to go back to focusing on a low-fat vegan diet while trying to work. When I first started the vegan diet back in January, I had no problem going vegan, but the low-fat part, not so much. This time around I really need to focus on the low-fat part, which includes not cooking with added oils and keeping servings to 3 grams of fat or less.

Over the past few weeks, meat and diary have slowly been elbowing their way back into my diet, and it needs to stop. The several times it has happened, I've felt terrible. I want to be vegan; I prefer being vegan. It makes me feel better and now knowing what I know now about what animal products due to our health, I could never go back. Last night was the last vegan study class. Since January, we've been meeting every Wednesday to discuss how things have been going and to learn about what following a vegan diet can do for our health. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to make it to a lot of the classes because of my poor health, but going last night made me realize how much the diet has done for everyone. I may be the sickest one in the class, but it gives me hope that this diet can still help me. So I'm starting over, and that begins with going back to being 100% vegan in addition to keeping fats to a minimum. Additionally, I've been avoiding coffee and several of my food triggers so I'm going to continue to do so. I'll do this for the remaining of the month and see how it goes!

the two-week test

It's been awhile since I last wrote. These past few weeks have been long and difficult, but I've slowly been regaining my strength and getting back on my feet. My migraines have been doing better (in a sense), but unfortunately, my diet has not. Although most days I follow a vegan diet, I find myself slipping more and more, and I need to get off of this slope fast. Surprisingly though, when I do slip, I still follow a vegetarian diet. In fact, I can't even remember the last time, I had meat. Wait, I take that back. My sister came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and when we went out to dinner, I ordered salmon. But red meat? I can't even remember the last time I had any, and surprisingly, I don't want any! When my boyfriend and I grilled out with some friends over the weekend, I actually requested a portabella mushroom over a thick piece of red meat, and even chicken. After going vegan, both types of meat just seem too heavy. I think I need to give myself more credit than I have been. I'm hard on myself when I fall off-track, but now that I'm writing about it, I really haven't been doing too bad. Additionally, I've also been completely avoiding my known food triggers, which include onion, garlic, and chocolate, for weeks now. Maybe that's what's been making such a difference with my migraines on a daily basis. Around the same time, I also started taking thyroid medication to treat what may be hypothyroidism. I had been giving all of the credit to the medication, but maybe more thought should be given to avoiding my known triggers. At the end of the day, I'm still not losing a lot of weight and my hair continues to fall out, but anyways, on to what I actually wanted to talk about...the two-week test.

I've mentioned this in a previous blog post. I had planned to start this anti-migraine diet during the end of March, but unfortunately, I was just too sick at the time and was ultimately hospitalized shortly thereafter. However, I now feel like I'm in the place to do it and plan to give it another go tomorrow. I adapted the diet from the information I received from the vegan study I'm currently participating in, Dr. Barnard's book, Foods that Fight Pain, and my own personal triggers and experiences. It's called the "two-week test," and it includes eating as much as the pain-safe foods as possible, avoiding all of the common migraine triggers completely, and eating any foods that aren't on either list freely but with caution. As I mentioned previously, one common trigger is gluten, which is probably going to be the single hardest food for me to give up during the diet as wheat seems to be in everything. But I really think this diet is going to help me identify my food triggers, all of them. It'll be difficult to follow, but not as difficult as the elimination diet. All I have to do is give this a try for at least two weeks. I also developed an extensive food tracker to help me pinpoint any triggers I may be consuming on this diet. If I can do that, I may be able to avoid going on the elimination diet. If not, well, then I can always give the elimination diet another try. I know at this point, not consuming any gluten is going to be difficult but I can do it, and at the end of the day, getting rid of my migraines is my number one priority. Here I go!

hospital food...

The last time I wrote I was hopeful I could being the anti-migraine diet. Unfortunately, I just wasn't healthy enough, and it all fell apart...again. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record - that is, "I'll start the diet again on Monday." But that simply is just not the case. The fact is I've been sick, really sick. At the end of March, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist as I had long suspected I may have an issue with my thyroid. My biggest and most troublesome symptoms being weight gain and hair loss. I've literally gained more than 30 lbs in a year, and my hair falls out in huge clumps - it's awful! I've had my thyroid tested multiple times and sometimes it comes back normal and other times the lab results indicate I have an under active thyroid. It's so confusing!

In addition to seeing an endocrinologist, I also traveled to Michigan to the Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute where I saw my neurologist and pain psychologist. Both were terribly concerned with my health and mental state, and a couple days later, I was admitted to the Head Pain unit at a local hospital. I've now been here for 10 days, and man I'm I sick of the food. This is actually my second time here. The first time I was hospitalized was in November of 2011 when I spent close to three weeks in the Head Pain unit with no avail. This time things are going better and I'm remaining hopeful yet skeptical at the same time. The head pain clinic is one of the best in the country, and I still have had a migraine everyday since I've been here. It's almost like, if they can't help me, who can? But I'm going to try to not think that way, especially, since I've been having a couple of good days in a row. Things have been up and down since I've been here, but I'm hoping I've finally turned a corner. It took a whole lot of medication to get me here and a couple of nerve blocks, but I think my migraine has finally broken, almost at least.

Tomorrow, I'm being discharged and all I hope and pray for is that I'll be functional enough to give this diet a chance. The hospital has very few vegan options, but I've done my best though I know I've had several slip-ups. I wasn't able to keep up the anti-migraine diet I discussed in my last post so I went back to being vegan. When I first arrived in the hospital, Easter weekend with my family had just passed and amazingly I remained vegan the entire weekend. I couldn't believe it! I was raised on animal products! The only cheating I did was during the fish fry - honestly, there was nothing else to eat and I love fresh fried fish. Other than that, I did great, until I got to the hospital that is...I tried to eat vegetarian as much as possible, but a did order chicken and bacon a couple of times. The thing was though I actually found the meat revolting, and after eating it once, I didn't even want it anymore. Even the cheese was kind of disgusting  That really surprised me! Therefore, most of the time, I ordered as mostly vegan as I could with an occasional animal ingredient here and there. Regardless, vegan or not, the food, well, it's hospital food, and I'm sick of it! I cannot wait to go home tomorrow and get back to a 100% vegan diet. Hopefully, all of this will have been worth it so that I can be functional enough to give the anti-migraine diet another try. I know I can do it, and I know it will provide me with invaluable information about my migraines and my food triggers.

karma's a bitch

I feel like I'm being punished....after my slip-up, things went from bad to miserable. A few days after my McDonald's binge, I came down with a terrible stomach bug. At first, I wasn't sure what was going on. First, it started off with terrible nausea, but unfortunately for me, that's nothing unusual as I suffer from daily nausea and ultimately take as much Zofran as a cancer patient. I then started experiencing stomach pain and cramping shortly followed by severe bouts of diarrhea. Once again, nothing too unusual  except that it seemed a bit more severe than it usually is. I have a ton of GI problems so I figured it was just that or something I ate (maybe that damn fish sandwich...), but shortly after the diarrhea started up, I began vomiting on the hour every hour for over a day straight. I had heard that there was a stomach bug going around, but wasn't convinced that's what was going on with me until I heard a couple of my girlfriends were sick with it too.

However, where my girlfriend's were sick for 24-48 hours, I battled the damn virus (or possibly bacterial) infection for well over a week. I don't why my illness is always more severe, but it is, and I know this from experience as it's happened before.  I can remember being home over winter break a few years ago when a stomach bug hit my entire family. It started with my younger brothers and then quickly found its way to me and my sister. My siblings spent half a day in the bathroom while I spent an entire week. I remember at one point, I literally thought I was dying as I was vomiting then shitting my brains out every half hour on the dot for over 18 hours. It was absolutely miserable! I don't think I could even get up off the couch for days afterwards. A few days later as I was still recovery, I even shit my pants...literally, and lo and behold, I shit my pants this time around too - no joke! I honestly can't recall a single time in my entire childhood when I shit my pants, yet I can recall a few occasions when this has happened in my early twenties...wtf?!?!

It took me close to two weeks to completely recover and sticking to any sort of diet during this time was nearly impossible. The Sunday after my McDonald's binge, I was a good-girl and ate vegan, and the very next day started back up on the elimination diet then that Tuesday, I was hit with the stomach bug. As you can imagine  being that sick while on the elimination diet completely turned my nose to every food I was allowed to eat. I still can't even think about making oatmeal or eating prunes without getting nauseous, and because my stomach has been and continues to be finicky, I knew I had to come up with a different plan so some days I followed a vegan diet and other days I just ate whatever was convenient. Even though, I feel like I should be mad at myself for falling off-course, I'm not, and that's mostly because I've learned a lot about the times I ate meat and/or diary these past couple of weeks. One, I no longer find the foods I used to love that appetizing anymore, and two, when I pigged out on a fattening meal full of meat and cheese  I got a terrible migraine. Therefore, it was proof that the diet does work, which I believed all along, I just wasn't sure, and now I am, which is great news!

Therefore, I've developed an anti-migraine diet that I plan to start tomorrow. I adapted it from the information I received from the vegan study I'm currently participating in, Dr. Barnard's book, Foods that Fight Pain, and my own personal triggers and experiences. It's called the Two-Week Test, and it includes eating as much as the pain-safe foods as possible, avoiding all of the common migraine triggers completely, and eating any foods that aren't on either list freely but with caution. One common trigger is gluten, which is probably going to be the single hardest food to give up during the diet as wheat seems to be in everything... I had planned on starting the diet on Monday, but I had to continue to push it back as I came down with a terrible cold on Saturday that I have just now gotten rid of as of today. I just can't seem to catch a break! Regardless, my perseverance and patience are being greatly tested - I am just so tired of being sick. I had have enough to deal with in regards to my migraines and other health problems, this stomach flu and cold on top of everything else is just too much! Anyways, I'm looking forward to starting this diet tomorrow. I really think it's going to help, and it'll be difficult to follow, but not as difficult as the elimination diet. All I have to do is give this a try for at least two weeks. I also developed an extensive food tracker to help me pinpoint any triggers I may be consuming on this diet. If I can do that, I may be able to avoid going on the elimination diet. If not, well, then I can always give the elimination diet another try. I know at this point, not consuming any gluten is going to be difficult but I can do it, and at the end of the day, getting rid of my migraines is my number one priority. Here I go!

the elimination diet

After four weeks of being vegan, the elimination diet began. Although I had a few moments where all I could think about was a McDonald's Filet of Fish, going vegan was, overall, easy. I didn't miss meat, and frankly, I didn't even miss cheese. Before beginning the diet, I thought for sure, I would be dreaming about cheeseburgers and pizza every night, but I didn't - it was a breeze. Unfortunately, however, going vegan didn't dramatically improve my pain levels as I was hoping it would. Therefore, going into my fourth week as a vegan, I focused on a low-fat vegan diet. Definitely nothing fried, no sweets, no more creamer with my morning coffee, and little to no added oil in my cooking, and I'll admit - my pain levels did seem to drop some, but nowhere close to what I was hoping the diet could do for me. So what's the next step? 

Welcome, the elimination diet, a diet that includes only a handful of foods that are assumed to not cause pain. The idea is that certain foods can trigger migraines, and there's no way to identify all of your triggers without eliminating all of them first, lowering your pain level to ideally, nothing, and then slowly, adding foods back into your diet. This part of the study is optional, but obviously, one I had planned and was even looking forward to partaking in because my pain levels were still so high. I would do anything to lower them! Well, that's obviously easier said than done. Below is the list of pain-safe foods were allowed to eat on the elimination diet, which we're suppose to stay on for ideally, three weeks.

Yes, this is the entire list...

Keep in mind, this is the only food we're allowed to consume. No herbs or spices, no coffee, no gum - that's it (other than water of course). At first, I was excited to do this. I went 100% during the vegan portion without any trouble at all. How hard could it be? Would it suck? Yes, of course, but my biggest concern was quitting coffee and Diet Coke. The week leading up to the elimination diet I began preparing. I cleaned out the fridge, reorganized the pantry, and then stocked up on all of the pain-safe foods that I could. I cut out the Diet Coke ahead of schedule, and starting weaning my coffee intake days ahead of time. I found a few recipe ideas and began preparing food, spending hours and hours in the kitchen.

Last Thursday was Day 1, and I was ready to go! By Thursday evening, I was having a caffeine withdrawal headache, I had spent hours in the kitchen that day preparing food, and the lentil quinoa casserole I had prepared for dinner, well, it was interesting to say the least. Internally, I was thinking, "They are expecting us to do this for three weeks! Are they fucking nuts?" I mean really, three weeks? I'm not sure this was thought out. Based on my communication with the group running the study, it seems that they want us to do this for three weeks so that are assessments align with the end of the elimination diet. The elimination diet of last year's study group only lasted 10 days. Why double the time on the elimination diet rather than move up the assessment dates is beyond me? But that's another conversation. Regardless, I determined after Day 1 that this diet was going to be 10 days and not 21, and I was still optimistically telling myself, "One day at a time, Danielle." 

Day 2 came and went. I had a migraine and a caffeine withdrawal headache, but I got through breakfast and lunch just fine, and surprisingly, I didn't even find myself to be hungry. I was once again disappointed with dinner. The first two thirds of the day, I'm fine, but by the time dinner comes around, I really just want to eat something else. At this point, I'm telling myself, rather panicky, "One day at a time, just focus on one day at a time."

Day 3 started out fine. I made myself oatmeal with vanilla rice milk and topped it off with berries. I forced myself to eat the entire cup of cooked oatmeal because I was finding that I was continuing to eat less and less of what I was serving myself. It took me a while, but I ate it all. I then heading out to run some errands. I packed a fresh plum, which I actually enjoyed. After running errands, I figured I should probably eat lunch so I steamed some broccoli and heated up some short grain brown rice, two of my favorite foods. Well...I knew I was in trouble when I was literally gagging while eating brown rice with broccoli. I love brown rice, and I love broccoli, and I should be hungry, but I wasn't, in fact, I hadn't really even been hungry the entire time after starting the elimination diet, which is a rarity for me. I'm always hungry! What was going on? My body was literally rejecting everything I could eat. After a bland dinner that I just simply couldn't get down, I broke down. I was angry and confused and frustrated and upset and...well, a lot of other things. 

The elimination diet sucked! I mean really sucked! And my boyfriend agreed. He ate everything I made for dinner the past three days, bless him, but even he was struggling with this huge diet change, and he was only eating one meal a day with me! He knew how hard I was working and was upset I was having such a difficult time with it. I had worked so hard, and I didn't want to give up, I just didn't see a way out. After a complete meltdown, I threw in the towel. I just had to eat something other than...that awful list. So I did. I went to McDonald's and got that Filet of Fish I had been craving. That low-fat, vegan, elimination diet that I had been working so hard at just went completely out the window, but let me tell you, I enjoyed every bite of that fish sandwich and those fries and that Diet Coke, and I didn't feel guilty at all, not one bit. But, I did learn a few things. That night, I had also ordered a double cheeseburger, and after two bites, I was done. I just wasn't interested in it - it didn't taste good to me, and after a third bite, I was repulsed by it. That was interesting. Also interesting, yet not surprising, was that I felt like shit afterwards, and almost immediately, my migraine got worse. By the time I woke up the next morning, my head felt like it was going to split open. So...yes, I fell off course, I messed up, I threw in the towel, but I learned that the food I was eating, especially the nasty stuff from McDonald's does indeed worsen (and possibly even cause) my head pain, and that is a lesson well learned and one I will never feel guilty about. It was a wake-up call, motivation even. The next morning, I went right back to a low-fat vegan diet, and when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'm going to give this elimination diet another chance. Wish me luck...

where did the rainbows and butterflies go?

My perseverance is being tested. Week one was surprisingly easy. Not only did I not have any issues sticking to my diet, but my head pain was the lowest it had been in months. I only had to take a major abortive one day out of the seven. Life was great rolling into week two. Then...my migraines decided to return home from their mini-vacation. Day after day, I was experiencing major head pain, and I had to take a major abortive almost every day. This, of course, made following a strict vegan diet slightly more difficult, but I was still managing surprisingly well.

Life wasn't so great rolling into week three. The daily onslaught of migraines continued day after day. I seemed to finally get a break yesterday (Although, I'm now fighting a cold instead.). I'm not sure what caused the week and a half long continuous migraine. I imagine it's probably my body's response to being taken off of a couple of medications. With that in mind, I do believe the diet is still helping, significantly, actually, even though it may not seem that way.

Although, I'll admit, it has gotten more difficult to stick to since week three began. There have even been a couple of times during this past week where I imagined myself doing a face dive into an extra-large cheese pizza. These cravings have been even more difficult to control because my pain levels have been so high, but so far, I haven't ate any animal products (purposefully) since January 31st. I say, purposefully, because I ordered Chinese the other weekend, and I ate the fortune cookie at the end of my meal without even thinking about it, and as it turns out, fortune cookies are made with eggs...whoops! But I promise you, it was completely innocent.

Even most of my eating-out-experiences have been easily navigated. On Friday night, my boyfriend, Aaron, and I went to a local Mexican chain with some friends for drinks and dinner. I ordered the mushroom fajitas, hold the cheese and sour cream, and substituted black beans for the refried, and everything was absolutely delicious. I didn't feel deprived at all. However, the next day at brunch, I wasn't quite so lucky. For those of you who don't know, brunch with bottomless mimosas or Bloody Mary's is big in DC. My girlfriend had been trying to get me and Aaron to go out to brunch with her and her husband for a few weeks now so I finally agreed. She picked the spot with a three-course brunch that she had been wanting to try for awhile and even called the restaurant to make sure that they could accommodate my dietary needs. After reviewing the shortened brunch menu, it was apparent they didn't offer any vegan dishes so I ordered a salad without cheese for my appetizer and a fruit plate for dessert, and as for my main meal, I told them to just make me something vegan. My salad was delicious, and I was hungry and excited to see what my main course was going to be. That is, until it was brought out and I was given a plate of stemmed vegetables. Really, stemmed vegetables?! That's the best you could do?! Everyone else had chicken and waffles or  eggs and bacon, and here I am with stemmed carrots, broccoli, asparagus  and a couple of cherry tomatoes. Everyone at the table felt terrible for me, and I was immediately embarrassed so I asked our waiter to at least bring me some potatoes too. If I hadn't been slightly drunk from my bottomless mimosa, I probably would have been more upset, but at least I wasn't thirsty. This was the first time I felt like an outcast for being vegan, and unfortunately, I'm sure it won't be my last, but overall, it's mostly been good experiences. Next time, I'll just have to be much more specific when I order, which I certainly will be.

You live and you learn...